An Invitation to CoinDesk's Super-Secret ICO Pre-Launch Party*

What good is having immutable record-keeping and shared digital trust if you can’t kick it off with a rip-roaring banger? Amirite?

AccessTimeIconMay 1, 2018 at 12:05 p.m. UTC
Updated Aug 18, 2021 at 8:57 p.m. UTC

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  • At CoinDesk, we believe that you can put a blockchain on, in or next to anything. (It’s possible that we may even be blockchains). And certainly there's no better place that blockchains can solve a real-world problem than here at CoinDesk.

    Let's face it, today's reporters struggle to cover the cryptocurrency space. From not using every article to highlight the benefits of HODLing to letting some nocoiners just show up and yap FUD, we know our reporters have really held the industry (at least the price) back.

    In fact, we’re so open to the idea of change, we’d like to take on a suggestion from ethereum creator Vitalik Buterin, who kindly told CoinDesk of our coverage last week:

    "This is why pundits need to be replaced by prediction markets, ASAP."

    After all, who really needs people asking questions about the industry's totally-not-broken governance model, its definitely-not-hypocritical private token sales or its absolutely-not-redundant-or-esoteric debates?

    As such, we're happy to announce our token DeskCoin.*

    Where's the white paper? We've got a trendier plan. What the people really want, even before basic facts about the project, is highfalutin booze, drugs and an immersive experience that will cause severe sensory overload!

    We’re talking about a coin launch party, bros.

    Because what good is having immutable record-keeping and shared digital trust if you can’t kick it off with a rip-roaring banger? Amirite?

    Think machine-learning robots in a fully autonomous yogurt shop. Look, we know you've thought about that before, so we turned it up a notch - pairing the technology with actual pseudoscience. We'll have palm readers and Reiki and lots of lots of crystals (mostly amethyst because it's an all-purpose healing stone and let's be clear, we have no idea what our purpose is).

    Even better, all we have to do is look to what the state-of-the-art projects are really, actually, already, we’re-totally-not-making-this-up doing for ideas.

    So before you make millions on DeskCoin (name not final - we might change it to something "dope"), we've lined up an event that's sure to leave you mesmerized and also slightly hungover.

    ***

    NOTE: THE GUEST LIST IS CLOSED

    (JK, you can totally invest in the coin at the door.)

    ***

    screen-shot-2018-04-30-at-6-32-22-pm

    The best ways to escape the lingering feeling of dread after watching the price charts...

    ***

    Healing EDM

    WHAT: Tracklist includes all the crypto hits – "(Airdrop) it Like it's Hot," "Get Your Fork On" and "All About That Basecoin"

    WHO: A DJ whose name has exactly two letters. (We can’t have him confused with our ICO!)

    WHY: Because nothing says "the future" like music played on an "Apple Mac."

    ***

    Out-of-Body Embodiment Dance

    WHAT: Similar to ecstatic dance except with booze and talking, so actually it's just like dance.

    WHO: Probably not many people

    WHY: This is a judgement-free zone, even for those condescending pick-up lines. "You're really pretty. Why are you here?"

    ***

    Uranus Oil Mining 

    WHAT: Mining digital coins is so 2017. You know what's an untapped resource? Uranus oil.

    WHO: "Mad" Mike Hughes, who survived his first rocket launch and is out to prove Earth IS flat.

    WHY: Because if Earth is flat, how easy would it be to put it on a blockchain?

    ***

    SUSTENANCE

    You’ll definitely need something to wash down the Uranus oil...

    ***

    Reefer Room

    WHAT: Weed. Ganja. Mary Jane. Whatever you call it, we've got it. And this time we're telling you in advance.

    WHO: Anyone that looks like they inspired Brock Pierce's new look.

    WHY: Puff, puff, pass is the best team building.

    ***

    Soylent Smoothie Bar

    WHAT: Who cares about slowly enjoying a good steak over a glass of wine with friends? You might miss buying the dip!

    WHO: Literally all the coders

    WHY: Maybe food?

    ***

    Regular Ole Food Truck 

    WHAT: Definitely food.

    WHO: Boring taco truck with a new name. Boring menu with new words – ones more generally used to describe sex. (Try The Birds and The Bees honey-glazed duck and the Heat of the Moment stuffed jalapeno).

    WHY: Soylent is an acquired taste.

    ***

    RESTORATION

    This industry is all about finding the real you, and then using that you to fail fast...

    ***

    Hash Coffee Bar

    WHAT: No, this isn't a weed thing. I know, it's confusing.

    WHO: Stanford applied physics students.

    WHY: Pour in some creamer. Stir. Look deeply into the swirls. You've found your new cryptographic hash function.

    ***

    Some Kind of Reading

    WHAT: I'd say there’s a "profitable investment in your future." ; )

    WHO: Miss Cleo bailed. Luckily the taco truck guys say they moonlight as mystics.

    WHY: What is pseudo-digital securities issuance without a human touch?

    ***

    Big African Cat Awakening

    WHAT: Because Hand:Shake's "Jaguar Awakening" had to be one-upped

    Who: Maybe large cats?

    WHY: Actually, we’re pretty sure this is just face-painting. Get it... You are the cat.

    ***

    Lucid Dream Lounge

    WHAT: Is life but a waking dream?

    Who: Am I?

    WHY: Are you not yet invested in this ICO?

    ***

    EXPERIENCE

    We want to highlight experiences within the experience...

    ***

    Immersive Design

    99 percent sure this means we’ll need to buy edible wallpaper.

    Environmental Design

    Did we mention the wallpaper is edible?

    Digital Design

    Did we mention the wallpaper has a token?

    Actual Design

    No, no, no… The token is embedded in the floral design! You already ate it? Welp, it's even more scarce now.

    ***

    Theme - Mythical Beasts

    Because 'Wolf of Wall Street’ was a little too on the nose...

    Investors acknowledge that DeskCoin may or may not ever be released, but that despite this, it may trade on a number of exchanges.

    Witch with crystal ball image via Shutterstock

    Disclosure

    Please note that our privacy policy, terms of use, cookies, and do not sell my personal information have been updated.

    CoinDesk is an award-winning media outlet that covers the cryptocurrency industry. Its journalists abide by a strict set of editorial policies. CoinDesk has adopted a set of principles aimed at ensuring the integrity, editorial independence and freedom from bias of its publications. CoinDesk is part of the Bullish group, which owns and invests in digital asset businesses and digital assets. CoinDesk employees, including journalists, may receive Bullish group equity-based compensation. Bullish was incubated by technology investor Block.one.


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